DOOM!

The three main symptoms of PTSD are avoidance, obsession, and loss of ability to regulate emotions. These symptoms must be continuing for at least six months after the trauma and are accompanied by PTSD's hallmark characteristic: a pervasive sense of doom.

*slow blink*

Uh, a pervasive sense of doom.

*long pause*

That's funny; where'd the doom go? More importantly, when? How?

The last time I remember feeling doomed was probably a couple weeks after I moved to Fairfax and realized that the place didn't have the lighting or space that I thought it had. I was frustrated, because I hadn't wanted to leave Ashburn in the first place. Within a month or two, though, I found out that my instincts had been spot on about two situations - the roommate one, and one regarding a friend I thought too interested in danger and fear.

I don't think I've felt doomed since then. I've felt lonely, angry, and disappointed. I've been suicidal and felt despair. But I don't feel doomed. The bad things come and go, but I know I can handle them. It's just a matter of finding a creative solution and the right person to talk to. There's an awfully large pool of right people in general, and creativity is one thing I do not lack. No matter how bad things get, there's always a way to build among the bombing.

Even the bouts of despair have grown shorter. They're always present to tell me something about how I have to change my world, so they're vitally important. I might not like them, but I'm not afraid of them. They're just challenges to solve and the solutions are always better than the original status.

Rain will make the flowers grow. 

My instincts about people keep getting confirmed, both the good and the bad. It's the ones about good things that are most important, though, at least to combat the "doom." When I can say "I took a major risk and committed to a course of action based on my assessment of so-and-so's character and it paid off," it's pretty hard to say "I'm doomed" in the next breath. And, as it happens, I can say that in a lot of situations - with my work supervisor, my coworkers, certain roommates, and a few old friends. Not the same kind of trust in each circumstance, far from it, but the kind of trust that is appropriate to each relationship.

Of course, this does bring up an interesting point. If I don't "feel the doom," do I still have PTSD? I don't think I do. I can casually use my experience in relevant conversations, despite the way it shifts the emotional balance. Sometimes that balance needs to be shifted. My experience is part of who I am. It'll be there whether I talk about it or not, so I might as well tell people why the conversation is unexpectedly serious in places. That's not avoidance.

As for obsession, I don't see that in my mind either. Yes, I talk about the past when it relates, but I don't pull up that past otherwise. It's the present that interests me. Sometimes the past can serve as a lesson or a case study, but if it doesn't, put it aside and get creative!

And as for the last symptom - inability to regulate emotions - well! I can't control my emotions, nobody can. But I can identify emotions quickly, notice and remember the thoughts that cause my mood shifts, and determine an appropriate response.

So, going by the numbers, tallying the symptoms, I can say, with total confidence, that I don't have PTSD anymore.

That's an interesting, intriguing thought.