Endgame

As I finish the first arch of the Avengers, my heart is full. These weren't just characters to me, they were friends... maybe even family. Each movie in the series marked an important turning point in my life -

from Iron Man struggling with post-traumatic stress, and its overwhelming, well-justified, crippling fear

to Gamora, so battered and hardened that she couldn't accept tenderness or feel love until she found a man so stupid and yet so unexpectedly earnest that he managed to slip through her guard.

to Steve Rogers, a man out of time, left disorientated and unmotivated, drifting away in a world not his own

to Dr. Strange, squandering everything he had in a vain attempt to recapture a glory that would never truly satisfy

to Pepper Potts, who never really wanted the superhero life but had one friend she loved through it all

to Black Widow, always atoning, never forgetting, and yet also not lost to her guilt.

I'm going to miss them.

The endings of the storylines fit so perfectly.

When we were introduced to Ironman, his most important motive was survival and second was pleasure. Over time, he grew to understand what mattered most. One of the things I found interesting was when he specifically listed to Captain America what his most important goals were - absolutely not to lose what the five years had built, but bring back the people Thanos killed, and try not to die on the way. I'm glad he had his five years of true and peaceful rest, with his family. I was equally glad to see Pepper on the battlefield herself, fighting alongside the rest of the team.

Dr. Strange's part was inglorious, and yet he was content with that. The smallness of the part he had to play didn't even seem to cross his mind.

The loss of Gamora hit hardest. Too have grown so much, only leave behind an echo who is stuck in square one. Worse than square one, even, because she's without the family that helped her to grow in the first place. Nebula has too many of the same scars to be of much help, though her speech about becoming sisters was heart-warming.

That was a powerful storyline. We knew young-Nebula wasn't willing or able to turn on Thanos. She adored him, and not yet been out on her own. We also knew young-Gamora could, that she stood on the edge and might, at any moment, choose to chart her own course. But you can't step in the same river twice. Every moment of decision is different.

Steve Rogers finally had a chance to stop being the costume, and to start being a man. With Black Widow and Ironman gone, it seems only right that he should make that choice. Sam and Bucky might have been Steve's best friends, but it was Tony and Nat who forced him to grow and whom he most forced to grow in return. I think they would have been pleased, had they known. And... the moment when Ironman gave Captain America back his shield... that was the best.

When we first met Black Widow, back when the Avengers first assembled, she told us she had red in her ledger and that she wanted to wipe it out. In Age of Ultron, we learned of how much and how deeply she desired to be a mother. In this one, she told Steve the Avengers were her only family and she told Barton she never knew her father's name. She died of her own free choice, in an act that at once repaid her debt to Barton and gave three children their father.

So many steps in this journey, so many lessons in a life. My heart is full indeed.

For my own part, I am grateful for my church. That is my family now. There were so many times I thought about leaving it. Like Ironman, I'd seen my world destroyed too many times. I thought I had to sacrifice all else to protect myself. Like Gamora, I feared to let myself be made vulnerable. Like Steve, I didn't know how to function in a world so different from the one I was raised to live in. Like Nat, I'm not proud of the person I've been. Like Dr. Strange, I defined myself by my performance.

It is a new day, in a new world. I wonder what it will be?